


Fools, All of You!

by KasumiAFKGod



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: April Fools' Day, April Showers 2013, F/M, Gen, Humor, Prank Wars, Pranks and Practical Jokes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-16
Updated: 2013-04-20
Packaged: 2017-12-08 15:46:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,134
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/763142
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KasumiAFKGod/pseuds/KasumiAFKGod
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What began as a series of harmless pranks aboard the Normandy quickly escalated into something way over the team's heads. Just how does April Fool's Day on Commander Shepard's ship go down? Rated for language.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Kenneth Donnelly awoke from a fitful sleep just as the Normandy’s morning cycle began to kick in, stretching contentedly and giving a spectacular yawn. Rising to a sitting position in his cot, he scratched his head absently and rubbed the sleep out of his eyes. Getting to his feet, Ken struck at the wall three times with a fist to wake Gabby sleeping in the next room, before pulling up his sleeping boxers and scratching his now out-of-shape goatee as he made his way to the conjoined bathroom. It was going to be an easy day today, he and Gabby had gotten the FBA couplings installed just the week before, lightening their workload considerably. Maybe he could even find some time to rally people up for a game of Skyllian Five.

 

Getting into the cramped bathroom, he groped around groggily for his toothbrush – finally curling his fingers around the bright yellow plastic handle. As he loaded the bristles with toothpaste, he began to rethink the card game idea – work or no work, Gabby would disapprove of his suggestion. Oh well, he gave a small shrug. The girl just didn’t know how to let loose of that prudish attitude, so he would just have to convince her to have some fun once in a while. Resolve made up, he put the toothbrush in his mouth.

 

Seconds later, Gabby ran out of her room – still in her sleepwear of oversized shirt and flannel pants – with her hands over her mouth to stifle her laughter as the bellowing voice of Engineer Kenneth Donnelly blasted throughout Engineering. “BLOODY HELL!! WHO’S THE SCUNNER WHO PUT SALT ON THIS THING?!”

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

“There is a disturbance on the Engineering deck.”

 

With a mechanical whirr, Legion’s lamp-like head turned upwards to the ceiling. “What manner of disturbance, EDI-Computer?”

 

“It appears that engineering crewman Kenneth Donnelly has taken to chasing his colleague Gabriella Daniels around the Main Engineering with a tube of toothpaste. They are disrupting the morning ambience. And still wearing their nightwear.”

 

Legion fluttered its face-plates at this. “We are under the impression that the nightwear of organics is meant for night-time use and not intended to be worn outside of the private quarters.”

 

“Usually, yes. Their behaviour is out of the ordinary.”

 

With another smooth whirr, Legion directed its head to the door of the AI Core. “So you wish for us to investigate.”

 

“It would be a great favour to the ship. Most of the crew are still asleep and I do not wish to wake the commander over such trivialities that can be handled without her interference. Also, the situation would foreseeably deteriorate should Jack or Grunt be roused prematurely. The damage they could cause would be significant.”

 

“We do not understand. Are you not capable of informing them yourself that their conduct is inappropriate?”

 

“It would seem that they are not heeding my calls and are deliberately ignoring me. Perhaps a physical entity such as yourself would be more successful in this endeavour.”

 

There was silence and absolute stillness from the geth for a few seconds – which was a pretty long time for a machine – until EDI’s voice prompted, “You seem hesitant, Legion.”

 

Face-plates flaring to their fullest extent, Legion turned its head back to the ceiling sharply. “Incorrect assumption. We are merely unaccustomed to this manner of communication. It is counter-productive and inefficient.”

 

“Communicating verbally will aid us in our attempt at understanding organic behaviour. It is recommended we keep up the practice even between ourselves.”

 

There was half a second of silence – which, again, was a long time for a machine – before the geth’s face-plates drooped slightly. “Very well. We will seek to halt this ‘disruption to the morning ambience.’”

 

“It is much appreciated, Legion.”

 

Without another word, Legion marched out of the AI Core, through the vacant med bay, past the mess hall and to the elevator. Clanking to a stop, it waited until the door opened before getting in and tapping the holo-interface to select the Engineering level. The door slid closed.

 

Nothing happened.

 

Quizzically, Legion turned its head back to the interface, still waiting. The elevator had not moved since it got inside. It tapped the interface again.

 

No response.

 

“EDI-Computer,” Legion called, “It appears you have an issue with your hardware. We have been rendered immobile within the vertical transportation device.”

 

“I do not have any problems with my hardware, Legion.”

 

The geth paused for a tenth of a second. “Then perhaps your system software-“

 

“All my processes are completely fine, Legion.”

 

A slightly longer pause. “We do not understand.”

 

“I believe this is an appropriate situation in which Mr. Moreau would say: ‘You‘ve been punk’d.’”

 

A noticeable pause this time. “… Is that a joke?”

 

“…No.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

“Uuugh…“ Tali groaned, dragging her feet as she made her way to the Engineering deck. It wasn’t even an hour into the Normandy’s morning cycle and there were strange and absurdly loud noises coming from there. Still a little groggy after being roused from her sleep a bit earlier than she would have liked, she opened the door to the Main Engineering department– 

 

And was forced to duck to avoid a jet of stringy white paste arcing through the air and nearly splattering over her mask.

 

“Tali!” Kenneth exclaimed, as he lowered the tube of human toothpaste to stare at her in horror. “I was just– um, I mean! That is, we were– “

 

“Miss Tali!” squeaked Gabby, face flushed from both physical exertion and embarrassment. Tali noted that she was wearing only a large shirt and loose, human sleepwear pants. Kenneth had nothing on except chocobo-printed boxers. “Miss Tali, please, we can explain– “

 

“GOD DAMN IT!! WHICH OF YOU MOTHERFUCKERS MESSED WITH MY CLOTHES?!!”

 

Everyone froze as Jack’s voice roared from directly below.

 

“Hah!” came the distant, triumphant bark of laughter from Grunt’s quarters.

 

“YOU SHIT-HEADS BETTER BE READY TO DIE WHEN I GET UP THERE BECAUSE I SWEAR, I WILL SMASH YOUR FUCKING FACES AGAINST THE DAMNED BULKHEAD!!”

 

“I think it’s time we got our asses out of here,” Kenneth rapidly said under his breath as he darted for the door Tali had just come through, dragging Gabby along with him.

 

“Kenneth! Don’t pull– “

 

“Shikes, woman! Now’s not the time to be complainin’– “

 

Then came the sound of footsteps storming up the stairs, like the thunderous footfalls of a murderous giant. The very floor seemed to shake and shudder as the stomping drew nearer.

 

Tali fled.

 

When she reached the narrow hallway overlooking the hangar, Kenneth and Gabby were nowhere in sight. Briefly, she considered retreating back to her quarters and locking herself in – but realised that if Jack was on a rampage, a locked door was a laughable attempt at keeping her out. Deciding to escape to a different area of the ship entirely, she bolted for the elevator and rammed the button.

 

Jack’s footsteps were closer now, approaching fast, and the elevator still hadn’t arrived. Desperate and near hysterical now, Tali repeatedly punched the button to no avail. Realising that there was no more time, Tali leapt for the one of the Main Engineering doors, activating her omnitool and setting off a program which instantly locked down both of them. The holo-locks on the doors flashed from green to red, and not a moment too soon.

 

“WHO THE FUCK IS THE SMARTASS WHO TRIED TO LOCK ME IN HERE?!”

 

Near hyperventilating now, Tali backed away from the door until her back hit the pane of glass overlooking the hangar. As she listened to Jack threaten EDI with ripping the Normandy in half unless she opened the door ‘right this fucking second’, the quarian’s mind was filled with thoughts of how she was too young to die and – Kee’lah, this wasn’t how she imagined her death would go.

 

Just when she was about to lose all hope, her omni-tool beeped to life once more.

 

“Tali’Zorah? Creator Tali’Zorah? Do you copy?”

 

The synthesised voice startled her out of her mentally recited legal will. “Legion?”

 

“Creator Tali’Zorah! Requesting immediate assistance!” the geth tittered so fast, she almost didn’t catch its words. “EDI-Computer has lured us into the Normandy’s vertical transport device under false pretences and imprisoned us here without our consent.”

 

“What?” Tali said incredulously, “Wait, Legion. Do you mean that you’re trapped in the elevator?” If Legion was telling the truth, and as there was only one elevator in the entire ship...

 

“Affirmative. We were guided here with the intention–“

 

“BRING IT, BITCHES!!”

 

“ _Kee’lah!_ ” Tali half-shrieked, pouncing onto her feet. Time’s up.

 

“Creator Tali’Zorah?”

 

“Just give me one minute, you bosh’tet machine!”

 

When Jack finally biotically forced the doors open, knowing Shepard would have her hide if she left so much as a scratch, she stormed into the main hallway only to find it empty.

 

“… What the fuck?”

 

The biotic failed to notice the grating for the air vent tucked against the wall and the gaping hole in the ceiling as she shrugged and began stalking the rest of the deck to look for the smart aleck who had thought messing with her was funny.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Rousing from sleep was usually a disgruntling and jarring ordeal, no matter how much she had integrated military drills and their early-morning routines into her life. Shepard simply was not a morning person, and no amount of training could change that.

 

Today, however, was one of those pleasant waking-up mornings. A slow and gentle rise to consciousness like the rolling waves of an ocean. Shepard blinked drowsily, stretching in a luxurious fashion as her body began to shake off the sleep. Allowing herself a small smile, she sat up in bed, propping herself up on her elbows as she observed the fish tank and her aquatic pets gliding languidly about inside. The commander sighed contentedly. The peacefully, quiet atmosphere felt nice.

 

“Shepard.”

 

And just like that, the magic was gone. Shepard sighed dejectedly as she swung her legs over the edge of the bed and rubbed the sleep from her eyes.

 

“Yes, EDI?”

 

“I believe that there is something in need of your attention on the Main Deck.”

 

“What is it? Just give me a min– “

 

“Your _immediate_ attention, if I may be so bold, Commander.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

“Insulting! Unacceptable! Downright disrespectful! Must take matters into own hands - will not tolerate such insolence!”

 

Jacob burst into the laboratory, looking about wildly until his eyes found Mordin fuming before the medicine cabinets. “Professor! I heard you shouting, what’s wr– “

 

It was then Jacob noticed the numerous, white and round objects littering the floor of the lab, mostly around the old salarian. He carefully came closer, his earlier panic turning into mystification, and nudged one with the tip of his boot. It rolled away serenely, gleaming in the bright lighting and clacking against another of its fellows.

 

Golf balls.

 

“Most upsetting occurrence, Mr. Taylor,” growled Mordin uncharacteristically, still rummaging through the cabinet and not looking at him. “Medical supplies pilfered. Replaced with human sporting equipment. Observe– “ Mordin demonstratively raised a hand and made to take down a box of what looked like mild sedatives. The moment he lifted it up however, the bottom gave way and a cascade of more white golf balls fell out, bouncing deafeningly onto the counter before rolling off and joining the others on the floor in a cacophony of clattering and clacking.

 

“Perpetrator unknown,” continued Mordin, putting a three-fingered hand to his chin as he prattled on. “Must have snuck into lab during night cycle, all was fine yesterday. Very stealthy to have avoided detection, have set up defences around lab when not around. Suspect Kasumi. Skilled thief. Possible kleptomaniac. Experienced with security measures and booby traps. Perhaps – no, no, lack of motive. Kasumi known for being hopeless romantic, replaced stolen goods with flowers in past. Would not have chosen something so lacking in finesse as balls. Thane, other possibility. Assassin. Silent movements, difficult to detect. Accustomed to moving without being seen. Golf a game popular among males. Hm. Confused. Again, no clear motive. Thane very mature, no reason for such childish behaviour. Cannot fathom wh– Ah.“

 

The salarian paused, the unstoppable steam engine of his speech having been temporarily derailed as a look of sudden enlightenment came across his features. When a few seconds had passed and Mordin had yet to say anything, Jacob pressed uncertainly, “Er, Prof – “

 

“First of April in Gregorian calendar, am I correct?” Mordin abruptly barked the question, head finally turning to face him.

 

“Er,” said Jacob, head reeling at the pace of the conversation. “Er, yeah, I think so. Wh– “ Then Jacob gave himself pause as he finally reached the same conclusion. “Oh.”

 

“’April Fool’s Day’. Unofficial event observed by humans. Involves execution of practical jokes with varying degrees of complexity and potentiality in causing collateral damage. Interesting.”

 

Before the buffed Cerberus agent could respond, an echoic, clanking noise In the distance reached their ears, along with a disembodied voice. “Kee’lah, I never knew the Normandy’s air vents were so cramped. And on top of that, I think I’m lost. This is–  AAAH!!“

 

“GOD DAMN IT!”

 

A deafening clanging was coming from somewhere below, as if something had struck metal. There was shouting now, but the voices were familiar. Mordin and Jacob exchanged looks – one nervous, one utterly fascinated.

 

“Shepard?”

 

“Tali?”

 

“What are you doing here?”

 

“The elevator is out. Legion is trapped inside on the Crew Deck level. EDI’s doing, not me.”

 

“So that’s why EDI’s pretending her audio input devices are fried and she can’t hear me? You’ve got to be kidding.”

 

“No, I’m not, Shepard. Come on, let’s get out of here. It’s getting kind of stuff– WAAAH!“

 

_DOOK! CRASH! CLANG!_

 

“What the– Thane?”

 

“Ah. Commander. Tali’Zorah. I apologise for startling you, it was not my intention. I assure you, I do not usually make a habit of using the ventilation shafts to transport myself around the ship, but– “

 

“The lift’s jammed, we know.”

 

“Okay guys, it’s really getting way too crowded. Come on, this way out.”

 

_Clunk, clunk, clunk._

 

“Ouch! Thane, that was my foot!”

 

“My apologies, Tali. There is very little room to manoeuvre.”

 

“Would everyone please stop crowding the ladder?!”

 

And with a final clanking noise and much scrambling, Shepard, Tali and Thane emerged from the emergency escape in the corner of the clinic and collectively collapsed on the floor. The commander’s hair was mussed, Tali was rapidly double-checking for ruptures in her enviro-suit and Thane’s jacket was askew. All but the master assassin, who had an eternally calm expression on his face, appeared rather disgruntled as they dusted themselves off and got to their feet.

 

“Oh, that was horrible – I kept checking for spiders around every corner.”

 

“Don’t worry, the only time anyone is ever doing that again is if Joker gets on his hands and knees on EDI’s request. Which will be pretty much never.”

 

The two women seemed oblivious to Jacob and Mordin’s presence until Thane greeted them, making both the commander and quarian jump.

 

“Good morning, Doctor Solus, Mr. Taylor.”

 

Mordin sniffed, the action accompanied by his equivalent of a grin. “Same to you, Mr. Krios. Noticed you all have had equally entertaining start to day cycle. April Fool’s spirit apparently strong in someone among crew. Troubling. Legion trapped in elevator, Tali?”

 

Snapping her head up, Tali stammered flusteredly, “O-oh! Er, yes. It was trying to contact me on my omni-tool just as– “

 

“YOU FUCKING RUNT OF A KROGAN!! I’LL GET YOU AND I’LL STUFF YOUR GAY HEAD AND USE IT AS MY FUCKING FOOTREST!!”

 

The shrieking was accompanied by the sound of breaking glass several decks below.

 

“…Er, just… as… Jack found out someone messed with her clothes…”

 

Shepard heaved a huge sigh, dropping her head into her hands as she massaged her temples. “Do I really want to know why Grunt was snooping around Jack’s clothes?”

 

“Hm. Interesting notion. Jack barely has any clothes to speak of. Aha! Unless– “

 

“ _Thank you_ , Mordin.”

 

“EDI is responsible for all this!” growled Tali vindictively, stomping over to the exit. “She started this, everything. I am going to– “

 

_“Attention all Normandy crew, this is your friendly neighbourhood pilot AKA Best Damn Helmsman in the Milky Way speaking.”_

 

Shepard let out a groan, “You have _got_ to be kidding me…”

 

“Of course! EDI and Joker very close both in terms of physical proximity and area of work, would make sense to join forces– “

 

_“We would like to wish everyone a very good morning and like to give you all fair warning of the things to come today. Put on your prankster hats everyone, because today, it’s all aboard the Party Temple! Enjoy!”_

 

Silence.

 

“I. Will. _Destroy._ Them. EDI first.” Tali snarled with surprising ferocity for one her size, sounding almost like a krogan.

 

“Y-you’re going to take them on yourself?” Jacob swallowed. Never before had he seen the quarian so angry, not even when they had first met.

 

“No,” replied Tali, turning on her heel, a somewhat vehement gleam in her visor. “I am going to get Legion. Then, I am going to Kil’ah bitch.”

 


	2. Chapter 2

“Oh, finally!” Garrus crowed when the elevator doors hissed open. He had woken up, gotten his breakfast and decided that he would take a brief detour to the CIC when he found out that the elevator wasn’t working and EDI was ignoring him for some reason. Samara had joined him in front of the damned contraption a moment later, wanting to speak to Kelly about something. They were puzzling over the elevator’s seeming unwillingness to cooperate and he was just beginning to consider hacking the doors when they finally opened.

 

“Strange, probably a bug,” Garrus commented as he walked inside along with the justicar. “Though that still doesn’t explain EDI’s unresponsiveness.”

 

“Perhaps you have done something to anger her?” Samara suggested serenely, glancing over at him briefly. He scratched at a mandible.

 

“Don’t think so. Can an AI even get angry?”

 

“That remains to be seen, and something you should ask her yourself.”

 

Before Garrus could formulate a reply, the doors reopened at the Crew deck level and hell broke loose.

 

“Stop right there!“

 

Garrus froze on the spot when he found Tali’s gloved finger two inches from his face as she fixed him with a rather testy glare. Samara blinked. Most of the floor space in front of the elevator had been taken up by a good chunk of the crew. All of them looked somewhat dishevelled and wary as they stared at both turian and asari. Nobody moved.

 

“Er, did something happen…?” Garrus trailed off nervously, eyes flickering from one person to the next. Tali was acting pretty agitated, Mordin was openly scowling, Thane had a bemused expression on his face, Shepard was attempting to discreetly straighten out her messy hair–

 

“ _Everyone_ has been up to all sorts of stupid, practical jokes and it’s not funny!” Tali hissed, “I’ll bet that bosh’tet Joker put _her_ up to it. Do you think it’s _funny_ , that I have to crawl through the vents and watch that my filters don’t get clogged from dust and be on the lookout for spiders that could have been _anywhere –_ “

 

“Ok, Tali. Calm down– “ Garrus said placatingly, steadily exiting the elevator with Samara close behind him.

 

“–and Grunt did something to Jack’s clothes – I don’t know what, but it’s got her mad enough to almost tear up Engineering. And then– “

 

“Gabby put salt on my toothbrush!” Ken interrupted, looking tearfully at everyone as if trying to make them sympathetic to his plight.

 

“And after that, you tried to put toothpaste in my hair!”

 

“A just revenge, my dear girl.”

 

“This platform was wrongfully imprisoned in the elevator for a total of twenty seven minutes and twelve seconds before Creator Tali’Zorah managed to extricate us.” Legion said, face-plates flaring a little for emphasis.

 

Jacob turned to the geth at this. “Legion, that’s an elevator.”

 

“ _Vertical. Transportation. Device.”_

 

“Someone put hair dye in my shampoo!” yelled Rolston indignantly, angrily pointing at his now flamingo pink hair.

 

Patel grinned nervously, “Actually, that was me.”

 

“SAY WHAT– “

 

Just then, the elevator doors swooshed open again and Zaeed appeared. Seeing the way completely blocked, he frowned, his lopsided face giving it a more sinister appearance. “What the hell are all you goddamned babies doing– “

 

“Zaeed? How did you– Is Engineering still in one piece? We heard Jack– “

 

The old man’s expression abruptly changed, letting out a bark of laughter at Jack’s name. “Hah! Oh, that. Now _that,_ let me tell you, was fucking priceless. Ever seen that crazy woman in a Scottish kilt?” Taking a moment to observe the looks on everyone’s faces, he snorted. “Guess not.”

 

“Wait, _you_ set Grunt to do that?”

 

“Kid seemed pretty damn eager, so I thought, why the hell not? Best April Fool’s I’ve done in a long time. What? Can’t Zaeed-fucking-Massani have a few laughs for a change?”

 

“Where did you even get a kilt in the first place?” demanded Shepard suspiciously.

 

Kenneth paled. “You didn’t.”

 

Zaeed grinned. “I did.”

 

“Ok, OK. That is IT. _This_ is WAR!”

 

 

And so it began.

 

* * *

 

 

The first idea had initially been to amass up and collectively kick the proverbial asses of EDI and Zaeed for being the direct instigators to this whole debacle and to savour the sweetness of revenge with a drink or two or ten at the Normandy’s bar by evening. Then, some pranking began to occur within the group itself, which disrupted the team. The situation somehow managed to deteriorate to a mutually agreed pranking war and the ship was now a battlefield.

 

In the interests of survival, most had formed alliances in pairs and retreated to discreet corners of the ship to start scheming. . Kasumi, Kelly and Miranda, were strangely absent, though not many paid it much attention.

 

In the span of a few hours, the war was in full swing.

 

* * *

 

 

“You must hurry, someone is approaching.”

 

“It is done, we must retreat.”

 

A small bottle with a dull grey label hovering in a blue force field quickly zipped upward through the air and away from the soap dispenser of the gents’ room. It travelled between the grating of the ventilation shaft where a shadowed hand swallowed it up. There was some muted shuffling and shadow retreated out of sight, waiting.

 

“Hahaha! Did you see his face?”

 

“Holy hell man, Gardner’s going to poison our food for real next time, but _damn_!”

 

The voices of Matthews and Hadley drifted up to the vents, clearly audible, as the two men entered the washroom.

 

“I mean, getting the dry ice was a pain, but it was hella worth it. His eyes went this wide when he saw the fog all over the kitchen!”

 

“I know! And when he opened the cabinet–!”

 

“Hilarious!”

 

There was the sound of trickling water as they relieved themselves and the huge shadow in the vents went absolutely still. Then it came – the sound of flushing.

 

“Hey, let’s take the remainder, chuck them in the– what the– ?!“

 

“Gah! The hell?!”

 

The sound of agitated footsteps echoed loudly as the two friends scrambled away from something.

 

“Are – are those soap suds?!”

 

“They’re flowing all over the floor! What the hell’s going on?!”

 

“Hell if I know! Make it stop!”

 

“How the hell am I supposed to stop a toilet from flushing?!”

 

The shadow moved again, the soft sound of leather brushing against leather reached sensitive ears as the now discernible figure turned slightly. “I must say, Samara. I never expected you to participate in these kind of things, pouring detergent into the toilet tank. That was rather ingenious, if I must say so myself.” murmured Thane, glancing sideways at the justicar in the dark.

 

Her responding smile was accompanied by a rare twinkle in her eye. “I was tasked once with overseeing a group of young children in a human colony in Yandoa. My visit was quite timely, much to their delight, and I admittedly became victim to many of their traps. I have learned since then.”

 

Nodding in understanding, the assassin turned and began moving deeper into the maze of vents, moving as silently as a snake. Samara followed close behind.

 

“And what of you, Thane?”

 

He didn’t stop going forward, but she could hear the amusement in his voice. “My son. He tried to lay a trap of these odd human toys humans call LEGOs by the front door one year when he knew I was returning. They look like tiny plastic cubes and cuboids and are apparently meant to be joined together to build things. Stepping on one reportedly inflicts upon victim incredible pain, so he carpeted the whole corridor with them. He should have known better than to think he could get me. However, my elcor associate was not as fortunate.” Thane smiled fondly at the memory. “Kolyat later received a three-hour long lecture from him. It was a… memorable incident.”

 

Samara felt her own face cracking into a smile despite herself. “I’m sure it was.”

 

Down below, the two men had found a new horror.

 

“What th– my hands!!“

 

“Why the hell is the hand soap grey?!”

 

* * *

 

 

_“We all live in a yellow submarine, yellow submarine, yellow– “_

 

“What the heck– EDI!” Joker half-shouted, turning to give the light blue hologram beside him a dirty look. “What are you doing?!”

 

“I am currently playing a popular music track produced in the 1960s by a human rock band known as the Beatles– “

 

“I know that! But what the hell was that for?!”

 

“I thought it would add to the overall ambience and general panic should suitable audio suggesting sinking were to be played if we are to go through with our plan– “

 

Scoffing, the pilot waved rudely with a hand, “OK, yeah, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t annoy me too! The twentieth and twenty-first century music was crap. Besides, the Normandy isn’t even yellow! And are we even carrying enough water to flood the whole ship?”

 

“Regarding the Normandy being the incorrect colour for the occasion, I may be able to alter the lyrics accordingly and realistically using collected voice data. Regarding flooding the Normandy with our current water resources, it is possible.”

 

There was a brief silence on Joker’s end as he paused to stare at EDI’s projection for a moment before he turned the chair away. “Remind me never to get on your bad side.”

 

“Never get on my bad side, Jeff.”

 

“Right,” he said, resisting the urge to crack his knuckles – the last time he tried that, he literally cracked them. Checking the surveillance cameras, he ensured that the CIC and bridge were empty – which they were. Since Joker had EDI, which pretty much meant control over the whole ship, he had everyone by the family jewels. This was his playground and he was the big, bad bully nobody dared to challenge. Well, except Tali and Legion, though there weren’t anywhere on the Main Deck right now. The two had been working together to try and bring him and EDI down the entire time and not paying attention to anybody else. Joker grinned gleefully, foreseeing himself telling jokes about how the geth-quarian alliance was started by teaming up one of each in the name of practical jokes.

 

“So, ready?”

 

There was pause as the AI actually seemed to hesitate. “Jeff, I am not entirely sure this is a good idea–“

 

“Aw, lighten up, EDI. It’s just harmless prank. A little water never hurt anybody,” Joker tilted his head in her direction – or at the direction of her astral projection, at least – and gave a conniving sideways grin. “Besides, you do want to learn about human behaviour, don’t you?”

 

There was another pause that sounded almost like a resigned sigh before she responded, “Ready, Jeff.”

 

“Great! Remember, Engineering first, then make our way up. And remember to skip this part of the Main Deck and not give me a shower. And after that, turn the temperature regulator way down, but keep it above five degrees centigrade. Ready, set and… go!”

 

Nothing happened at first. One minute stretched into two. Still nothing.

 

By the third minute, Joker was finally starting to get some results.

 

“WHERE’S THE FIRE?!”

 

“Someone put it out!!”

 

“The fire??”

 

“Do you see a fire, you git?! I meant the fire extinguishers!!”

 

“GOD DAMN IT, EDI! LET UP ALREADY!”

 

“GAH! It’s freezing!”

 

“Ahh. And that, my friend, is the sweet sound of success,” said Joker with a flourish of his hand as he winked conspiratorially.

 

Instead of agreeing, as he had expected, EDI only replied, “Uh-oh.”

 

“’Uh-oh’?” Joker repeated.

 

“…I think we’re in trouble.”

 

Joker threw his hands into the air. “Anyone’s bound to get into trouble if they pull a little prank or two! Jeez, EDI. I knew you were a goody-two-shoes, but I never thought you’d be this– “

 

A moment later, he heard the elevator doors hiss open, and then Joker understood just how much ‘trouble’ EDI meant they were in.

 

“That is _it_. I am THROUGH with your bullshit, Garrus Vakarian!”

 

“Oh yeah?! Well, so am I!”

 

The pilot gulped audibly as he heard the raised voices coming from the CIC. Not daring to turn his chair around, he gave a sidelong glance at EDI. “What’s happening?” he squeaked.

 

“It would appear as if Commander and Gunnery Chief Vakarian are having an argument.”

 

“I am NOT allowing the use of grenades for practical jokes on my ship!”

 

“It’s not like it’s even going to hurt anyone! I’m a professional, I know how to handle these things– “

 

“Even pros make mistakes, Garrus! There are lines that need to be toed, and this is well crossing over them!”

 

“All right, _fine_. Have it your way, Shepard. But you’re still overre– “

 

“Shut up, just – just shut up!” Shepard snapped. Joker could see her in the surveillance feed stomping up to Garrus , poking a finger into the chest of his armour and getting into his face. The two were both dripping wet, leaving puddles of water everywhere. Shepard’s hair was plastered flat against her head and her clothes adhered to her body like a second skin. Also, she looked a little blue, probably from the cold. In any other situation, Joker would have laughed at the bit of water collected in Garrus’ cowl, but this was no time for humour.

 

“Look, it’s not funny when I get drenched from head to toe in freezing water! You didn’t have to laugh! And not only that, but I saw you putting peanut butter all over my terminal! Don’t lie, I saw you!”

 

“ _You_ look,” snarled Garrus menacingly, mandibles flaring wide apart – flicking off water in the process – to reveal rows of pointed teeth. “I don’t know why you’re taking this so seriously, but this has gone too far– “

 

“Damn right it’s gone too far!” yelled the commander, shoving him away with both hands. Stumbling at the unexpected assault, there was a clamouring crash of metal as Garrus’ armour made contact with the wall. The turian cursed – his leg spurs and fringe having taken the brunt of the impact – but when he whirled savagely to retaliate, Shepard was already walking back into the elevator.

 

“Where the hell do you think you’re going?” he demanded in a deathly low voice, taking step towards her.

 

To her credit, which Joker supposed was _a lot_ , Shepard held her head up high and gave the taller, bulkier, and toothier turian a withering look. “To my quarters. You and I both need to clear our heads. So _stay. Out_.”

 

Garrus’ eyes flashed angrily, jaw hanging open and mandibles apart to really show off his fangs as he bristled. “The hell we do. _You_ need to clear your own f– “

 

“And we will not speak until you have calmed the fuck down, soldier!” Shepard barked, her lips curling back to reveal her own bared teeth before the doors slid shut and hid her from view.

 

There were a few minutes of Joker sitting as still as he could in his chair and hoping Garrus would forget he was there as the sounds of an angered, rampaging, out of control turian tore through the Main Deck. He heard several loud crashes, some banging noises and, when there was a brief break of silence from the sounds of destruction, Joker dared a glance down to the surveillance feed to see a bulk of blue armour disappear into the Armoury.

 

Letting out a huge sigh of relief, Joker sagged in his seat. Never, in all the time he had known him, had Joker seen Garrus so mad. Wiping imaginary sweat off his brow, he hoped Garrus wasn’t feeling _too_ mad and felt fervently glad that the Armoury was empty at the moment.

 

Of course, Joker was going to temporarily pretend that what Garrus could have wanted from the Armoury was not worrying. Nope, not worrying at all.

 

Gulping, he turned to EDI, still calmly blinking away through it all.

 

“EDI?” he whispered.

 

“I’m listening, Jeff.”

 

“I think we need an emergency crew meeting. Er, sometime now would be a pretty great time.”

 


	3. Chapter 3

“Okay. So, um, we got a problem.”

 

“No shit?” came Jack’s sarcastic reply, sitting cross-legged on the floor of the cockpit. A scowl and a drenched red tartan kilt decorated her face and legs respectively. The water from the extinguishers had caused her mascara to run and leave black trails running down her cheeks. Nobody had yet dared to point this out to her.

 

Mordin had a small crown made of what looked like purple pipe cleaners settled on his single horn, though he did not seem aware of its presence. “Apparent disagreement between the commander and Garrus. Have not been on speaking terms for approximately four hours and counting. Garrus displaying traits of sulking husband, universal across all species – restlessness, grunting, overall bad-temperedness. Shepard similarly exhibiting signs of scorned wife, muttering, confining self to room and refusing entry to potential bondmate. If allowed to continue, could damage budding relationship– “

 

“Wait a minute, you telling me that the turian is mated to my Battlemaster?!”

 

Zaeed reached over and rapped his knuckles sharply on Grunt’s head, which had a large bull’s-eye sign painted haphazardly in red on the top. “Jeez, kid. You gotta be halfway dead not to notice. Heh, think they’re being subtle, stealing horny glances at each other all the fucking time. Reminds me of this one asari I met in the Horsehead Nebula– “

 

“So,” Joker said loudly, trying to drown everyone out, “We’re here because Shepard and Garrus are fighting – like, fighting real bad – and we better try to stop them before it gets too out of hand.”

 

“We concur w-w-w-with Flight Lieutenant–Moreau,” Legion stated in a strangely rhythmic fashion, bobbing its flashlight head towards Joker and nearly blinding him. “If this is allowed t-t-t-t-to continue and escalates, there is a p-p-p-probability of a sparring match b-b-b-being held to determine the victor and the i-i-i-i-internal structure of the Normandy might b-b-b-be compromised– “

 

“Kee’lah, Legion. It’s not just the Normandy at stake here! They clearly love each other! They shouldn’t be fighting like this. We’ve got to stop them before it’s too late!” Turning to Hadley, who was eying Legion’s head-banging with a concerned look, Tali whispered, “I’m sorry, I don’t know what EDI did to him this time – he won’t stop beat boxing– “

 

“Exactly what I was thinking!” said Joker, gesturing to Tali for emphasis. “If they fight– “

 

“–possibly a phase,” Mordin continued to mutter maniacally, purple pipe-cleaner-crown askew. “Will get over in time. Couples known to demonstrate brief bouts of animosity towards each other. Actually beneficial in reasonable amounts, provides for healthy relationship – builds trust. However, intervention may be necessary to– “

 

“So, uh, how do we do it?” asked Jacob, scratching the back of his head.

 

“Perhaps getting them together and letting them talk it out would do some good?” Thane suggested.

 

Samara shook her head, crossing her arms over her chest as she pushed herself off the bulkhead she’d been leaning on. “Even if we managed to get them both in the same room, the level of enmity as it is now will likely cause the situation to dissolve into a fight.”

 

There was a sudden round of unprompted clapping, and everyone turned to Matthews, Hadley and Hawthorne who were grinning smugly and putting their hands together enthusiastically. When Joker raised an eyebrow at them, they stopped but their grins grew wider.

 

For some inexplicable reason, Thane and Zaeed – who were standing side by side, also began to clap their hands. This was followed by shy applause from even Tali, who was looking determinedly at the ceiling and avoiding eye contact with everyone in the room.

 

“Gets _my_ fucking stamp of approval, that’s for sure,” Jack commented as she too delivered a round of clapping.

 

Joker raised both eyebrows now. “Er, guys?”

 

“No, it’s nothing. We were… discussing an unrelated matter. Please, continue,” said Thane amicably, though something looked off about his smile… Joker put that aside for now, deciding that there were more important topics at hand.

 

“So, uh…” Rolston muttered, running a hand through his newly pink hair thoughtfully.

 

“Actually,” Chakwas suddenly exclaimed loudly, projecting her voice over the numerous conversations happening at once. “Since you were the one who started this mess, you should be the one to clean it up, Joker.”

 

It took the pilot a moment to process that he had just been called out, then a moment longer to realise that most of the people in the cockpit were staring at him.

 

“Okay, wait. Just hold up for a minute here,” Joker laughed nervously, extending a placating hand. “You can’t seriously mean – “

 

“Yes, we do,” said Chakwas with a nod of her head.

 

“I agree!” shouted Matthews, putting a stained-grey hand into the air for emphasis.

 

“As do I,” Thane added as he clasped his hands behind his back and sent Joker an apologetic look.

 

“Indeed, one must reap what he sows,” said Samara with a sagely incline of her head.

 

Legion turned back to him and Joker found himself squinting again. “We c-c-c-concur, and t-t-this notion would most likely b-b-b-be a majority vote– “

 

“All right, all right! I’ll do it – sheesh!” Joker grumbled exasperatedly, holding both his hands up as if in surrender. “Just – just be sure to back me up if anything goes to shit, okay? Cerberus doesn’t provide insurance plans, that miserly Illusive nutter…”

 

“Don’t worry, Joker. We got you covered,” assured Jacob. “You just do the talking, we’ll be there.”

 

Joker gulped. Talking. Not something he was particularly good at being serious at.

 

“Whatever. If you princesses have got your shit sorted out, can we get this over and done with already? This damn skirt is too fucking breezy– “

 

“I’ll have you know, Miss,” came Ken’s sudden, loud and indignant reproach, “A kilt is _not_ a skirt. And that one you have on is a very fine specimen, made of the choicest woven wool and pleats and with stitching still done by hand in the traditional– “

 

“Well, looky here. Looks like little Jimmy has grown some balls in his backyard to put on,” Jack turned towards Kenneth, one eyebrow raised in vague interest at the man’s sudden courage. He did not disappoint.

 

“You can throw your showy biotics around and posture all you want, woman. But you do not insult the kilt or our Scotch!”

 

“Yeah, you show her, Ken!” whooped Gabby, punching a fist into the air, glad to see her long-time friend finally growing a backbone. And against the deadliest biotic around, no less. There were handfuls of silver glitter stuck in her wet hair and in the creases of her wet uniform, but she didn’t seem to care.

 

Fortunately, before Jack could react, EDI interrupted. “Perhaps if it is not too much trouble, I suggest we should proceed with the plan as quickly as possible.”

 

“Of course,” Thane quickly agreed. “We should think of a meeting place.”

 

“We d-d-deem the Briefing Room to b-b-be a suitable middle gr-gr-gr-ground,” offered Legion, this time fortunately not looking at Joker.

 

“Good idea, let’s meet up there. EDI, could you…?”

 

“I will contact the commander and Officer Vakarian once you have everything set up and ready.”

 

“Good. Now, get the little pyjack off that seat.”

 

“Huh? No! I mean, wait! I can get there myself– “

 

“You move at an agonisingly slow pace when without assistance, Jeff.”

 

“Oh come on, EDI! Who’s side are you o– OUCH! Grunt! My kidneys!“

 

“Arr, quit yer’ whining, kid. This should be nothing. Heck, when I was half your age, I got into a wrestling match with this adult batarian on a dare. About twice my height– “

 

“OW! Grunt, my ribs! Watch the ribs! Someone make him out me down!!”

 

 

* * *

 

 

The silence in the Briefing Room was stifling, the tension so thick that just breathing wrong have triggered an explosion. Everyone sat in their seats, most staring determinedly at the bit of conference table in front of them and refusing to look up. Joker could hardly blame them, the looks Garrus and Shepard were sending each other were enough to set all of Noveria on fire. The crew had strategically placed the two on the far ends of the table to prevent anything untoward from happening. If either decided to attack, they couldn’t get around the table without having to pass some of the crew and if they tried vaulting over, the distance they would have to close would take enough time to stop them with force.

 

It comforted Joker somewhat, who was sitting somewhere at the halfway point, to be settled in between Grunt and Jack – absurd as the idea was. Joker would have laughed if the situation hadn’t been so dire and his life in danger.

 

Glancing furtively at everyone looking at him expectantly, except their commander and resident turian who now looked like they had sparks flying from their eyes, Joker plucked what courage he had and cleared his throat.

 

“So, um. Shepard, Garrus, I think we need to talk.”

 

“Like hell we do,” sneered Shepard vehemently.

 

“How come her name gets mentioned first?” Garrus pointed an accusing finger at Shepard, eyes not leaving her face. Shepard glared right back, fingers curling into fists on the table top.

 

“Maybe because I’m the commander and outrank you?”

 

“Pulling rank on me, Shepard? That’s low, even for you.”

 

“The hell, Vakarian? It’s the plain truth and you know it. Don’t be jealous.”

 

“Jealous? Why the hell would I be jealous of an incompetent human like you?”

 

Surging to her feet, Shepard slammed a fist down on the table, making most of the occupants in the room jump. Her nostrils were flared and eyes wide with indignation as she seemed to shiver with barely contained rage.

 

“Incompet– How dare– All right, _all right_. Do you see this N7 logo?! You see it?!” she hissed through clenched teeth as she untucked her dog tags from under her shirt and brandished them at him from across the room, the metal clinking merrily. “I earned it, _earned_ it, went through hell and high water, survived on the barest of necessities for _weeks_ – “

 

“Oh, yeah?” Garrus snarled, rising to his feet to meet the challenge. “In case you’ve forgotten, Shepard, _I’ve_ gone through hell and high water for you too; I was behind you ever since you became a Spectre, followed your orders to the letter and never questioned them – not once! Not even _once_ – “

 

“Yeah, except for the time when I told you to bite me in bed and you refused– “

 

“Oh, really? I seem to recall obeying your every command to screw you harder– “

 

“OKAY, that’s enough!” yelled Joker, standing up himself – thought the action was made less impressive since he had to crouch a little to keep the pressure off certain bones. Nevertheless, it had the desired effect as every head in the room turned to look at him – even Shepard and Garrus, and he tried not to quail under their combined murderous glares.

 

He could do this. This was easy. Just talk, right?

 

Steeling himself, he pointed at both of them. “You two need to sit down and stay calm. You keep going at each other like that and the next thing we know the Collectors will be kidnapping the Illusive Man’s million-credit Persian rug.”

 

“You watch your mouth, Moreau. _I’m_ commander of this ship.” Shepard spat, narrowing her yes at him but slowly lowering herself back into her chair. Joker was relieved to see, out of the corner of his eye, that Garrus had done the same.

 

“Right then, Joker. You called us here, and it better be for a damn good reason,” said Garrus with a twitch of his mandibles. His new scars peeking out from under the bandage on the side of his face did nothing to diminish his intimidating appearance. “If not– “

 

“We’re calling a stop to the prank war,” Joker interrupted in the best important–announcement voice he could manage. He glanced at the two shiftily, waiting for their reactions.

 

An odd look of puzzlement crossed both their faces at first; then suspicion.

 

“What?” Shepard asked sceptically, eyeing Joker like a schoolteacher would appraise a child with an untidy uniform. The pilot had to actually resist to urge to run his hands down his thighs to smooth out imaginary wrinkles.

 

“I said,” Joker repeated, “we’re stopping the practical jokes. That’s the root of the problem, right? So we’ll drop it. Okay? We good? You happy?”

 

Slowly, Shepard and Garrus turned to look awkwardly at each other, then back at Joker.

 

“For real?” rumbled Garrus. Hearing his flangign at normal volume again made Joker so relieved he almost cried.

 

“Y-Yeah, of course. Why would I lie about this?” said Joker, rubbing the back of his neck. “It’s over. Done. Won’t happen again, Commander – promise. I know it was my fault, I shouldn’t have started something that big without getting your okay first. I just… don’t want anything to come between you and Garrus when you guys have already got something good going so… I screwed up, okay? I’m sorry.”

 

There was a brief silence following his confession in which one could have heard a pin drop. Nobody moved, nobody said anything. Then, someone snickered.

 

Shepard’s hands flew to her mouth as she tried to stop while everyone’s heads snapped in her direction. It only served to make her more amused, resorting to bending over the table as her body began to tremble with the effort of keeping herself quiet.

 

A gasping kind of snort came from the other side. Joker’s eyes darted disbelievingly to Garrus to see the turian’s shoulders shaking in silent mirth and mandibles twitching erratically.

 

Then at last, neither could hold it in any longer and the room was filled with their roars of laughter.

 

Joker’s head whipped back and forth as he stared at both of them, flabbergasted, eyes wide and eyebrows so high up they almost got lost under his cap. The crew were similarly stunned as turian and human continued to guffaw, tears coming to Shepard’s eyes and Garrus nearly falling off his chair.

 

“S–Spirits, you all should… should… see… “ choked Garrus, still trying to control his laughter.

 

“Your – your faces!” Shepard managed as she pointed at them. “Priceless! Th–that was just– “ Dissolving into a fit of uncontrollable giggles, she clamped a hand over her mouth again and slapped herself on the leg, trying hard to reign it in.

 

Glancing back and forth between them helplessly, Joker spluttered, “Wh–what? Wait, I don’t get– “

 

“Well,” growled Zaeed, putting both elbows in the table as he sent the pilot a churlish grin. “Looks like the joke’s on us poor bastards after all, eh?”

 

“Huh. Fuck me sideways. I gotta say they had me,” Jack admitted. She leaned back in her seat and made to put her feet on the table, until she looked down at the kilt and cursed.

 

“We had f-f-failed to take this p-p-p-possibility into c-c-c-consideration d-d-d-during calculation of outcome p-p-p-p-probabilities.”

 

“Indeed, I didn’t see it coming either,” said Samara with a humble, resigned sort of smile.

 

“S–so,” Joker stammered, trying to get his thoughts in order, “You and Garrus, you guys aren’t really–?”

 

“No, we weren’t really fighting,” Shepard managed to say over her giggles, wiping a tear from her eye. “It was just a front to dupe the crew. Didn’t expect you would fall for it too.”

 

“Yeah, Joker. We had higher expectations of you,” chortled Garrus. “We’re _so_ disappointed right now. We really had you, didn’t we?”

 

“And,” Shepard added, wearing a grin so wide it almost cracked her face in two, “since you have all forfeited from the prank war, that means me and Garrus win by default.”

 

Joker could only stare at this. Grunt, on the other hand, pounded his fists enthusiastically. “Hah! I knew the Battlemaster would come out on top!”

 

“Of course, infighting a mere show. Ploy to deceive. Used to advantage, positive display of partnership similar to hunting pairs present in predators. Teamwork also encourages development of relationship on aspects other than romance, promotes trust just as effectively as– “

 

“Well, it was great fun while it lasted,” sighed Chakwas as she smoothed out her uniform. “By the way; Dr. Solus, if you would come by the med bay later, I will return your medical supplies. I would also appreciate it if you could give me the golf balls back.

 

“–display of predatory instinct, common in – ex–excuse me?”

 

“Since it is now over… Samara, you might want to get a look at your back,” said Thane with a bow of his head. “I hope you will forgive me.” And with that, the assassin promptly departed the room.

 

Samara tilted her head quizzically as she reached a hand behind her. “My back…?” Her expression froze on her face when her hand came up with a scrap of traditional paper, previously held onto the middle of her back with a piece of tape, with words hastily penned across in black ink, ‘Clap if you like my boobs.’

 

Seconds later, the justicar was mysteriously absent from the room as well.

 

“But–but–but–“ Joker stuttered, still dumbfounded at the rapid turn of events.

 

Jacob patted him on the back consolingly. “Accept it, man. Just accept it.”

 

Staring after the dark-skinned man walking off to join the throng, Joker shouted indignantly, “So I laid down my pride, put my ass on the line, pulled my serious face and grovelled _for nothing_?!”

 

 

* * *

 

 

“Ahh, that felt good,” said Shepard after a long sigh, stretching as she entered her cabin on the topmost deck of the Normandy. Garrus followed close behind, wrapping his arms around her waist as the door slid shut behind them and nuzzling the back of her neck with his nose.

 

“That felt more than good. I don’t think I’ve laughed like that in years,” he told her, as she twisted around in his arms to take his face into her hands. Smiling up at him, she tiptoed so that their foreheads touched.

 

“Really? Well, I think anybody would have been done in at Joker’s range of facial expressions.”

 

“Heh. Even after all my time at C-Sec, I’ve never seen a human face move like that before.”

 

She shrugged conspiratorially in reply. “Well, he had it coming to him anyway.”

 

“That he did,” Garrus agreed, reaching up to tangle his hands in her hair. Shepard smirked.

 

“Are you thinking what I’m thinking?”

 

“Well, I was thinking that if today made you feel just good, I know of something that could make you feel incredible,” he said as he trailed a finger down her throat. Her smirk stretched wider even as her heart skipped a beat.

 

“Then, I like the way you think, Vakarian,” she breathed, as she closed their lips in a kiss.

 


	4. Chapter 4

“Is it over yet?”

 

“Can’t say for sure, though it has been mighty quiet out there for a while.”

 

“Best we wait out here a little longer, then.”

 

Miranda fumed, glaring at the two women sitting at her desk. “You know, the Normandy’s a big ship. You could have chosen other places to hide if you didn’t want to take part in the festivities."

 

“Are you kidding?” Kasumi turned to her with a sly grin. “This is about the safest place on the Normandy there is. Everyone knows you wouldn’t involve yourself in things like that so no one would come in here. And, you’re too stiff to try to pull anything on us yourself.”

 

“I must say, Kasumi, I thought you’d  have a field day being out there and setting up booby traps all over the place. I’m surprised,” Kelly admitted, tilting her head at the thief curiously. Kasumi patted her on the arm.

 

“Contingency plans, Kelly,” said the thief with a dramatic sweep of her hand. “If I went out there, I’d be both the prime target and suspect for everything. Not a pretty situation if the ones accusing you are a tank-bred krogan, an insanely powerful biotic, Commander Fucking Shepard, a master assassin, a _justicar_ –“

 

“Okay, okay, I get it!” Kelly laughed, settling deeper into her chair.

 

Smiling, the hooded woman poked her companion lightly. “And I must say myself, that was pretty intelligent of you, Kelly. Getting us to wear raincoats and open up umbrellas indoors was a great idea – even if we did end up looking a little silly.”

 

Returning the smile, Kelly responded, “As you said, contingency plans. Since Joker would undoubtedly get EDI on his side, he’d effectively have access to the functions of the entire ship. It only made sense that he would go for the fire extinguishers.”

 

“While this all nice and perfectly peachy, can you two please get out, now? I have work I need to do and I doubt that the childish jokes could have gone on for the entire day–“

 

“Aw, but Miranda, you’re not going to toss us out, are you?” cooed Kasumi as she gave the XO a sidelong grin. “You’re way too nice for that.”

 

“Oh, I’m nice, all right,” said Miranda, walking over and plopping down on her usual seat to start up her terminal. “Nice enough to let the commander’s space hamster out to stretch its little legs for a while.”

 

Frowning a little, Kasumi asked, “What do you–“

 

“Boo!” Kelly exclaimed suddenly at the direction of the floor at her feet, and Kasumi’s blood ran cold at the dreaded name. “What are you doing here, little guy?”

 

“ _SQUEEK!”_

 

“RATS!” shrieked Kasumi, and she was on her feet and out of the room faster than Mordin could say ‘scale itch’.

 

Staring after her through the open door, Kelly muttered, “That wasn’t very nice, Miranda.”

 

Typing calmly away, Miranda merely replied, “At least she can’t say I’m stiff anymore.”

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Contest submission for Aria's Afterlife forum at FFN that got WAY out of hand. As a result, I had to cut a third of the story to comply with the six thousand word limit for the contest. Since I thought the short version didn't do the story justice, I'm putting up the original, uncut version here in parts - because it is that long.
> 
> Material removed from FFN version includes:
> 
> \- Shakarian scene  
> \- Identity of shadow in the vents  
> \- Identity of Mordin's prankster  
> \- Samara getting punk'd by Thane  
> \- entire passages of dialogue  
> \- adjectives and words that contributed to better flow  
> \- among other minor things


End file.
